I think everything is messed up.

which is ok, since I made all my choices that leads to this destination. I did my thinkings.

The person who is paying my tuition and loves me, is in China, with severe illness that she needs to be supervised, and I don't even know if I can go back to see her and take care of her as what children should do in my goddamn situation, here I am building my negative karma again.

And when I really wanted was a new and better life, I always got into bloody situations at the critical moments. With the money I got from her, I gave away to things irrelevant to my education. wow how messed up am I? And here I am now, dealing with it like doing a business with someone, being considered incompetent and irresponsible since I didn't do
"my part" as he expected, the hell I wanna be responsible..if you don't really give a damn about me?

Yea so, I have lost my faith in everything, but it's ok, because it means I really don't have anything to lose now. If I really wanted something, maybe a good future and completed 4 years education for myself..even going to graduate school, to make enough forture to take care of the one that really loves me. Because... when I always thought that there are people that really cared about me, to find out that it wasn't the truth. Everyone wants a piece of me that is useful to them, except my mother, who asks nothing in return.