En fin, l'histoire de nous.

When I am in China, i will be using my MSN live space since blogger.com is censored in China.
Here is my MSN live address, I will be posting pictures and writings as well.

Thanks a lot!

One may wonder what difference could 3 days make.

For me, I have learned my valuable lesson of my lifetime, about how much you can put into a relationship hoping things will happen, but all in a sudden, people change, and move on, and leave you lost. They cannot wait to go into new life without you, while you are still lingering about the past.

But my life is not over, surely not, far from being over. I have a great life ahead waiting for me to discover, many wonderful people to meet, and someone from somewhere is waiting for me, and I will find him one day.

I have spent a lot of my life doing things for others, pleasing other people in my life so I can feel better, looking for approval from others doing things I really don't enjoy doing. I am tired of doing that, devoting myself into a business that never gives me the returning value that I would consider reasonable. However, devoting my life into something that helps building my future, never fails me, which I have learned also, since I am getting older.

I have changed my phone number and email, and will move out of this area soon, I hope to find a better future back to the place I called "home" in California.

nowhere is safe,even my home

Finally got back from my trip, thanks to Northwest Airlines it was all messed up. First had to stay in Detroit at 13 F while wearing the clothes for 80F in NV since they decided to cancel my trip when I was already connecting. Then on the way back, had to wait for 2 days to get my luggage.

Met many cool friendly people in NV, had great fun. Every time, since I hate Vegas for its own name, for some reason when I visited Las Vegas it was always for something else, either 1 of the exs' family wanted to go there, or was passing by to Zion and Grand Canyon, or was passing by to Utah to ski, and this time, was in an AFB to visit the current "significant other".

Talked with boyfriend's friends and about people being deployed to the war zones, I was glad that he is not going to be deployed. Selfishly, I thought, an office job afterall, makes sure you don't go deployed and never come back, and while being in the service and going to school at same time, is probably even better. But I am proven to be wrong.

You join the military, you go to war and die; now, if you stay in your freaking classroom doing your homeworks, not messing with others, you can still die from some freak with guns. Nowhere in the world is safe. There were the case where guys got back to the states after going through hell in Iraq, and got shot down by someone else in the country. And now, after my ex lying to me again and set me on fire about his car's tax payment, purposely avoiding my phone calls regarding his financial problems that is related to me, and his recent purchase of 2 fire arms, I am seriously worried about my own safety. Given a clinically diagnosed depression patient who is NOT on any treatment, a known aggressive person who likes violence, who has crazy and extremely dangerous road rage, who armed himself with 2 guns or more, holds grudge against me and is determined to screw me up, I don't even know if I should stay in North Carolina anymore.

But that is good because now I write this here, so if you guys haven't heard from me or if I don't answer my phone, you'd know that I was probably dead, and you'd know probably who would kill me. Sounds crazy isn't it? But hey I got only 1 month before going back to visit my parents, so let me secretly hope that nothing will happen before I have to go?

be my own "decider"

Sometimes the most difficult thing in the world to do is to acknowledge the failure and mistake one made. Since doing so, one would have to admit the things that this person has been long denying. But then, one must ask him/herself, should he/she carry on the mistakes and hope that the mistakes will cure themselves at some unknown point, or just lie to him/herself about that fact forever?

I can bear the mistake and secretly hope that it will turn out to be the "right thing" one day, and wait until I am old and desperate, or I can face it right now and tell myself : this is not the right thing, I am wrong, I must get out of this, give up the false hope I hold because for the sake of God, I know what it really is, I know it in my heart, that this is not going to work, this is going to be a disaster, this is what I tried so hard, but failed to achieve and will never achieve because it is never supposed to be this way.

Life doesn't dwell in the past, in the hatred and grudge of what happened to us. Life starts right here right now beneath our feet, and in the future awaits us. In this future of ours, anything is possible, but the only way to have a good future, is to make the right choice, and right decision, no matter how hard it is.

awesome week.

Today 2 great things happened!

First, I got an invitation from Phi Theta Kappa to attend their orientation session and they encourage me to join them. I can't start to name how surprised and excited I am. It is great that my hard work finally pays off, and while myself joining this honor society I might be able to get scholarship to solve my financial difficulties, how wonderful is that. I am so fortunate that I am in a country where if you work hard on school and do really well, you get what you deserve!

Second, I got a wonderful Valentine's present! Beautiful roses that comes with pretty vase, a so very adorable teddybear, a cute little handbag with heart print, and a heart-shaped box of cholocate, all from my baby! As you can see I was so happy I took a picture of the scene :)

For you who read this, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

The "re-activator" post

Had several people asking me, either in email or on phone about the blog. True I haven't updated it for several month after the "traumatic personal life event" and depression just seems to hold on to me so well. Maybe it is because of the seasonal effect, maybe it is stress of life and struggles, but whatever happened, already happened, what else can I do except trying to move on with my own life?

In order to *NOT* let this blog entry sound too depressing, which it does already, I am gonna announce some good news:1, I got a 3.75GPA now, which I am trying hard to maintain in this crazy semester of 18 hours credit! 2, I made some very good friends here in Asheville, and they are all asian, asian friends in a town with 0.01% asian population! 3, I am going to China for 2 months during summer to see my parents!!

Chinese New Year is coming soon, gonna spend it with a lot people here, we are going to make dumplings, I know they are excited, so am I, after not celebrating the new year with the family for over 5 years.